Day 3

Today sees me thinking along more serious lines.

[...though that does not at all mean my brain doesn't keep throwing junk my way as fast as it can. WOW am I having a hard time focusing, though I think the fact that it's my own voice that is keeping me going definitely helps. It would be much easier to "get lost" if things were being externally driven by someone else's chant. (and to say that totally takes me by surprise would be an understatement...I always, always, always prefer to chant along and not initiate myself. And WOW, that's some elephant I just dropped in the room, heh?)]

Sat Nam. That's what has me wandering along theses lines. "Sat" that I chant as I come up , eyes stretching toward the skies, "Nam" that sees me bowing down, third eye to the earth below.

"Truth is my name."

It's heavy stuff. It has me deeply reflective on my experiences right now as my truth, cause it really doesn't feel as if it could be. I never thought this would be where I would find myself. On many levels my life right now feels quite surreal. Yet here I am, and fighting it tooth and nail. So, are my reactions my truth or are they clouding the truth that is my existence? Is this all really junk that is hiding what lies beneath? Is there some essential truth I'm not seeing in my rebellion against what I've become? My guess is yes. My guess is that if I can get beyond it to acceptance I could find a whole whopping pile of grace and excellence in a place I never sought for it.

See, I never thought to be a gateway, and that's really what a mother is on many, many levels, a gateway. I have always felt I should/would be something more than that, but it's also a choice I have made, to be home. I've been thinking about it as if I'm putting myself on pause, but I'm beginning to realize that is doing a lot of people, myself first amongst them, a great disservice. I'm cheating me out of me. I'm cheating my kids, my husband, my friends out of the person I could be in this time by not investing fully, by remaining deluded, by pretending I remain unchanged.

Perhaps it's by accepting the truth of my life, instead of trying to mold it into my desired image, by accepting and excelling...maybe that is how being something more can truly be. Time to stop being a mom that at the root of it doesn't value the work of being a mom. Now we're back to the idea of being "enough". Oye.

(...and oh yeah, my triceps are S.O.R.E., that's one truth that cannot be avoided...)