As a good friend reminded me...

...there's only so much you can do, and sometimes you have to let go to move forward.

I'm very grateful for the sentiment this week, as I am also remembering what happens after a baby gets sick. The sibs get sick. The neighbors get sick. Pretty much everyone within a 5 mile radius gets sick. The little buggers are germ distribution systems.

But worst of all...Mom and Dad get sick. Which is not pretty. Life as we know it comes to a screeching halt as we passive-aggressively maneuver for precious minutes of sleep. Which means I'm still holding the space for my meditation while very much not doing it.

I like that idea though...holding the space for my meditation. Makes me feel glow-y and in some odd way protected. Hmmm, whatever works, right?

Making peace with starting over

OK. It really was inevitable.

I told myself it wasn't but that was truly a bit of self-delusion on my part.

Life intervened and the streak has come to a sadly abbreviated conclusion.

#3, who is only 9 months old, became a huge ball of snot this week and reattached himself to my body. REALLY hard to bow with 22 pounds hanging onto your shirt.

I've just deleted me starting to write about a thousand excuses for why this made things impossible, but it really doesn't matter. The fact is I have small kids and sometimes they need a lot. Sometimes everyone's life needs a lot. Finding 15 minutes to practice can at times be overwhelming and that was where I was. It was too much on top of everything else. I needed to crash when I could and I did.

This is a process and I'm trying hard to not pile guilt on myself, to not feel like this is a failure of some sort, but it's hard when it's only 15 minutes.

So, I'm calling for a do-over. Same bat station, same bat channel.

Day 13 and everything since Day 10

OK, I am most sincerely begging your pardon. This blogging every day might be a tad ambitious of me. It's simply very hard when the computer is where the baby sleeps. My free time and the computer's free time don't jive.

I'm going to keep aiming for it, since I think it's really good for me, and frankly, a ton of stuff is coming up while I'm yoga-ing that I need to get out or it keeps going round and round until it pops out again in the middle of the night and I so don't need anything else keeping me from sleeping!

So, how are things going?

I'm clinging to my box tooth and nail while everything I'm doing is fighting to yank me out of it. I feel like a split personality. I want to do the yoga, but it's also the last thing I want to do. I want to sit and read the paper. I want to just sit and have a cup of tea. I want to clean the fridge...yeah, what's with that? Who would rather clean the fridge than do pretty much anything else? That's how I know my comfort zone is shrinking by the day. It's good 'cause I need one gloriously big shove, but at the same time man do I just want to stay mired where I am. Change is a lot of work and I'm inherently lazy.

Let's get down to some thanks:

• I am thankful I am connected with a wonderful preschool where I can drop off #2 5 days a week and never have to worry about a thing. They are the cream of the crop.
• I am thankful I have gotten to talk with my sister every week while she is abroad. She's a surgical resident and while she's home I'm lucky to talk with her every couple of months.
• I am thankful my childhood friend now stationed in Afghanistan is well and making the most of his time there by reaching out to women and children where ever they go with what aid his battalion can give. He's simply amazing.
• I am thankful for my fleece lined boots...they make me happy every time I slip them on.
• I am thankful that my grandmother took the time to teach me to crochet...I can now craft beautiful handmade things for friends and family and feel close to her.
  

Day 9 on Day 10

Once again didn't get to practice or blog last night, and am still behind on today...kids just complicate things.

Anyway, splurged and got myself 2 of the new "red" sweatshirts from the Gap...at first just because for a stay at home mom it's kind of funny to have alternating shirts for alternating days:


Was wondering as I bought it if wearing the TI(RED) would become a self-fullfilling prophecy and was doubting if I would wear it out and about much for risk of feeling more like a living breathing cliche than I already am...but as I was practicing last night, an alternate meaning came clear, and that sent me to the dictionary:

tired: wearied or fatiqued

(OK, then I thought that was funny cause if you're looking up the meaning of "tired" that's really no help...I imagine this endless round of work looking up as things get progressively more complex...)

Anyway, physically I am the embodiment of both of those daily, but then there's mentally. Can I not use that as motivation...turn it to a positive depending on what I'm wearied and fatigued of?

...and so we come to the list of thankfuls:

• I'm thankful that there are big name activists like Bono out there that are a force for good and a voice for those that do not have one.
• I am thankful to be a woman born in a country where my rights are insured...though not grateful that they are very often taken for granted and challenged.
• On a similar note, I am thankful to see so many new voices going to our state capital...let's hear it for a more representative government....
• I am very thankful to have the ability to vote and have my opinions heard.
• and finally I'm thankful for my cool new sweatshirts...if only everything I have to buy could have such purpose behind it.
  

Days 7 & 8

WOW, this all gets way more dificult when you live with a demanding little person that doesn't sleep...

Practice times have been erratic to say the least...I even squeaked in last night around 11 pm. Partly baby difficulties, partly me being in full rebellion mode. I have a very hard time saying something "has to be". Must be the Sicilian in my blood...

I obviously haven't been getting a block of time to blog in either...and that sits fully on #3s shoulders. I will try to do better. It's really important for me to get things out in a timely manner, have a forum to clear my brain, and the accountability this provides me with is invaluable.

That aside, the overwhelming thought pushing aside my to do list while I meditate is developing an "attitude of gratitude". So very lacking right now. So very stuck in what I don't like about where I am. So very bad. I have much to be thankful for and that needs to come to the fore.

Coincidently, a friend that is also ramping up with her own forty days sent me this in an email the other day:

"I decided to add a bit to my daily routine and do the 40 day with you. So I started when you did. I've been needing a major additude adjustment and so have started 11 minutes of Ek Ong Kaur Sat Gur Prasad Sat Gur Prasad Ek Ong Kaur. I've also added another bit to my practice. I start and end each day with mentally listing AT LEAST 5 things I'm thankful for. That's a complete minimum. I try to keep this going as much as I can remember throughout the day. Boy what a difference! Yet sometimes hard to remember. Ugh"

Yep, so with needing that.

I l.o.v.e. the idea of the daily thankfuls, so here are mine:
1) 3 very healthy wonderful kids that are capable of driving me nuts every day in every way.
2) Ditto for the most supportive partner a girl could ask for.
3) We have a comfortable home...
4) ...and the ability to buy what we need.
5) A night out tonight with a fabulous group of friends that I can call on any time day or night.

Days 5 and 6

OK, so I've already missed a day of blogging.

Trust me though when I say you're glad I wasn't here yesterday. C.R.A.B.B.Y. doesn't even begin to describe me. I just deleted a start of the diatribe, but I'm just not going to go there. Nope. Not gonna do it.

I will say that in retrospect, I think my practice is starting to shift me. Buttons are being pushed. It happens every time. I need to expect it and just let it come and go...but as I can't manage to do that with stray thoughts that come across my consciousness while I'm meditating, I'm not surprised it's spilling over. I need to let it all come up, move across the surface, and get on it's way.

NO LOITERING ALLOWED. That's my new motto.

Today was better, Monday sees me happily back in my routine of napping baby and driving kids to and from school. My time is neatly segmented and I get to practice in the morning. Can see that as a priority for next weekend...tops on the list is my meditation. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right?

Still getting off on tangents while I'm meditating. Know there's a lot of stuff to move out, but I didn't think it would be this hard to stay on track. It's hard to stay focused on my 3rd eye too, though I can tell things are stirring. I've gotten some "light bulb" thoughts...you know what I mean, clear as crystal ideas that smack you right between the eyes. Will be exploring those this week too, and some of them are pure FUN...

Day 4

Silly, silly me.

Thought it would be worlds easier to work things in over the weekend...after all, there is another adult in the house to wrangle the smallest one who is by far the most demanding of time and attention..

HAH!

I seem to have forgotten that "weekend" means there would also be 3 whole other people in the house with me throughout the day, in addition to the usual smallest boy and the dogs, since #s 1&2 are home as well.

Under those circumstances, there is honestly not a quiet square inch in this quaint bungalow where one might meditate unmolested. There is always some small being within reach asking 5 million questions, fiddling with my iPod or trying to claim space on the sheepskin...or just plain taking it.

So, I waited until bath time and snuck quietly off to the basement...and then time warped and things seemed to be taking 10 times as long as they should. Was my iPod broken? No, seconds ticking happily away...and believe me I was almost marking each off myself. "THIS COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE TAKING THIS LONG!" vibrated through every cell in my body.

Until the end. I would guess somewhere about half way through the 3 minutes of silent Sa Ta Na Ma I got in the groove, WAY in the groove. My spine was flowing, I was laser locked into my third eye and all was goooooood.

Oh yeah...THIS is why I need this EVERY DAY. How can I have forgotten?

Day 3

Today sees me thinking along more serious lines.

[...though that does not at all mean my brain doesn't keep throwing junk my way as fast as it can. WOW am I having a hard time focusing, though I think the fact that it's my own voice that is keeping me going definitely helps. It would be much easier to "get lost" if things were being externally driven by someone else's chant. (and to say that totally takes me by surprise would be an understatement...I always, always, always prefer to chant along and not initiate myself. And WOW, that's some elephant I just dropped in the room, heh?)]

Sat Nam. That's what has me wandering along theses lines. "Sat" that I chant as I come up , eyes stretching toward the skies, "Nam" that sees me bowing down, third eye to the earth below.

"Truth is my name."

It's heavy stuff. It has me deeply reflective on my experiences right now as my truth, cause it really doesn't feel as if it could be. I never thought this would be where I would find myself. On many levels my life right now feels quite surreal. Yet here I am, and fighting it tooth and nail. So, are my reactions my truth or are they clouding the truth that is my existence? Is this all really junk that is hiding what lies beneath? Is there some essential truth I'm not seeing in my rebellion against what I've become? My guess is yes. My guess is that if I can get beyond it to acceptance I could find a whole whopping pile of grace and excellence in a place I never sought for it.

See, I never thought to be a gateway, and that's really what a mother is on many, many levels, a gateway. I have always felt I should/would be something more than that, but it's also a choice I have made, to be home. I've been thinking about it as if I'm putting myself on pause, but I'm beginning to realize that is doing a lot of people, myself first amongst them, a great disservice. I'm cheating me out of me. I'm cheating my kids, my husband, my friends out of the person I could be in this time by not investing fully, by remaining deluded, by pretending I remain unchanged.

Perhaps it's by accepting the truth of my life, instead of trying to mold it into my desired image, by accepting and excelling...maybe that is how being something more can truly be. Time to stop being a mom that at the root of it doesn't value the work of being a mom. Now we're back to the idea of being "enough". Oye.

(...and oh yeah, my triceps are S.O.R.E., that's one truth that cannot be avoided...)

Day 2

Today finds me fighting the compulsion to do more.

More bowing (though my arms are cramping), more chanting (I'm naturally running over, so why not up it to an 11 or 21 minute session?), more changes (sugar, get more sleep, meat, get more sleep, exercise, get more sleep, volunteer, get more sleep, bake my own bread, get more sleep...seriously, the list is endless) more, more, more, more.

I have this problem frequently. Whatever I do is never enough. I'm going to stick with what I've set up and carry it through the full 40 days, then I can re-evaluate. Over-committing always sets me up to fail, so I'm going the under-committing route this time around. It's kind of a theme in my life since #3 has come in...there are a miriad of things I have to let go of, and the dust bunnies living throughout the house are a testament to the fact that I can so do it!

Other than that, my mind continues to race during my practice. Today we had a full plate of what I was going to write in this blog, calling my husband, elections errata, wondering what ever will happen to May and Archer in the last chapter of The Age of Innocence I've been downloading into my iPod, and worrying about #3s doctor appointment this afternoon.

Testament to woman's ability to multi-task. Hopefully we can gag that monkey sometime soon so I can get down to business...of course all that garbage falling out is probably the business I need to happen right now. SIGH, nothing like starting at the very, very beginning!

Day 1

Let's see, what have I learned today?

I learned that I need to clean out my yoga bag. (Oh the shower of stuff that came along with my sheepskin when I pulled it out...various stones, some peppermint oil, and hundreds of bits of paper with Yogi Bhajan-isms, exercises, meditations, mantras and other bits of esoterica that struck me in the midst of either teaching or practicing. Hundreds. I swear. Hundreds.)

I learned that one of my dogs really likes my sheepskin meditation mat and really doesn't want me on it.

I re-learned that the Peace Family recording of Sa Ta Na Ma really doesn't lend itself to doing Kirtan Kriya. (The pauses are awkward. Neither do the Yoga of Sound and Mantra Girl versions. Those are the options I have on hand. Bummer. It's up to my pathetic vocal cords alone now...)

I learned that little fingers have absconded with my timer. And then I learned my iPod light doesn't stay on when using it's timer, making timing rather challenging. (Kirtan Kriya, which is supposed to be 1 minute of chanting, 1 minute of whispering, 3 minutes of silent chanting, 1 minute of whispering and 1 mintue of chanting, ended up more like 1 minute chanting, 1 minute whispering, 4 1/2 minutes silent, 2 3/4 minutes whispering and 1 minute chanting. Since I get "time lost" when meditating, am going to have to do some systems work...)

And I learned not to drink a huge glass of water before bowing for 3 minutes. (UGH)

So, you can probably tell it wasn't a flawlessly smooth start. Yet start I did, and despite the best efforts of my subconscious to stress me out with thoughts of groceries, laundry, holiday gifts and rearranging the furniture, it felt really good.

The Links

A quick rundown of the links:

• 3HO is the definitive site for info on Kundalini Yoga and Meditation as taught by Yogi Bhajan. All things Kundalini yoga can be found here...or they'll tell you where to find it!
  
• Guru Dev Singh is a fabulous healer, not to mention a living, breathing saint in his faith tradition. He is the only living master of Sat Nam Rasayan, a traditional yogic healing art that brings healing through awareness and the consciousness of the practitioner. I feel especially connected to him through past treatments, and many of my mentors and friends have trained with him.
• Golden Bridge is the LA home of Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa, one of my teachers. This is a great place to gain a sense of the yogic community and find information and resources.
• The Center for Happiness is the local yoga center I am most connected with...it's director, Helena Raghubir, is also a great friend, beautiful soul and talented healer in her own right. The staff is very talented and special. This is definitely THE site for Kundalini Yoga in the Twin Cities. They also have a small store and take special orders. If there's something you're looking for, they can find it. There's lots going on here, check it out!
• Closed Eyes Yoga is the new yoga center here in Saint Paul, started by one of my fellow teachers and home to many of my favorite local yogis.
• Spirit Voyage Music is a great source for mantra, chant and other yogic resources.